Sacred and beautiful

 Remember I told you that I am trying to develop a running regimen?  Well, yesterday I was at the track when an older man approached me.  He lapped me a few times then turned around running backwards to face me.  He asked How long are you going to keep running?  I told him that I didn't know  but I was on my 16th lap and joked that I tend to run until it is "time to stop", whenever that is.  He commented that that was great and that he had started after me but was heading for home.  I gave him kudos for how fast he was running and how he looked like he was doing great at it, a real pro and he said, Well you are doing wonderful.  I have seen you out here a few times and I am really impressed.  He added,  You are doing a great job, especially carrying all that weight.    

                       SCREECH!!  HALT!!  CRASH!!!      WHAT DID HE SAY??

...You are doing a great job, especially carrying all that weight...

 As you can imagine he was talking about my waist line.  I could not believe it. Normally  I subscribe to the "your opinion of me is none of my business" mode of thought, his words, however, were like a punch in the stomach .  He tried to be encouraging and  went on and on about running techniques but all I heard was  BLAH! BLAH! BLAH!  because  this stranger had  made a comment about my "fat behind" running around a track and it played over and over again in my head like a broken record.  It made me want to stop running and go eat a stack of pancakes (my drug of choice).

 We have all heard the saying sticks and stones

may break my bones but words can never hurt me, but if you have reached any level of age you know that that is untrue.  The sting of an assault will eventually heal and the memory fade.  Words can be as bruising as a left hook and last way longer because they can be put on auto play forever. That is an important point to remember as we maneuver to get the last word, tell someone off, or share that precious piece of our mind that we seem to be so eager to hand out. We need to ask ourselves if what we are going to say is really necessary or are we just getting a quick moment's satisfaction in return for someone else's lifetime of hurt.

I know that the man at the track didn't mean to be discourteous and insensitive. He was trying to be helpful and frankly he was. When I went home and was brooding in front of a mirror staring at my waist line,  I remembered a time when I was doing that very thing and someone who loved me, sensing my frustration with the woman in the mirror said softly, "You are sacred and beautiful."  Those words, so sweet and tender, took my breath away.    It is a   challenge sometimes to trust that I can be sacred and beautiful just the way I am, whether I run one thousand laps or never again.  I know I have to be comfortable with who I am before anyone else can. God said something similar (we are) beautifully and wonderfully made. I am learning to believe that, too.

Much of who we are and what we do is based on a standard that is not grounded in reality. Stores like Abercrombie and Fitch relish the 00 when the average size for a woman is 14. We act like we don't know this to be true and perpetuate the fallacy by cutting off our circulation trying to get into skinny jeans or starving ourselves to look like the air brushed, photoshopped pictures we see in magazines. The models don't even look like models without help. Be healthier, yes. Be aware of what we are putting into our mouths, yes. Take note of our family histories and move more than hold down the sofa. All YES, but here's the thing: you do YOU and no one else. You are perfectly and wonderfully made. You are sacred and beautiful. Do whatever you need to to make a better you albeit through exercise, getting out of a bad relationship, going back to school, whatever it is -- do it, but -- do it for YOU. There will always be those ready to comment or share an opinion. Take what has value and leave the rest.

'So today I am going to the track. Me and all that weight are going to run until it is time to stop, but rest assured I am doing it for me and no one else because I am already beautifully and  wonderfully made and so are you.

...Sacred and beautiful...
...Sacred and beautiful...  
...Sacred and beautiful...

I have it on auto play.

If a tree falls in the forest...

I had been working on running. A few of us at work have been encouraging one another to this effect  and are wonderful at being there to pat each other on the back, give tips and advice, a kick in the pants, or applause whatever the case may be to keep us going. It is easy to feel motivated with so much support and so week after week I have been adding a little bit more distance. Trust me, when I say little bit, I mean little bit.  I started out run/walking the track.  Next I went on to trying to run one lap, then two (you get the idea.)  The most I had ever run is a little over 3 miles in the 3 months that I have been running.

Anyway, yesterday I planned on only doing about 2 miles, it was early evening, it looked like rain and I figured I had just enough time for that.  When I got to 2  miles it wasn't raining yet, there was still a little light out and I was feeling pretty good so I decided to try to go a bit more.  As the evening wore on the conditions stayed the same, so I kept going.

Long story short before too long  I was up to 4 miles.  OH MY GOODNESS! I had never run so far. I was feeling great so I thought, even though it was getting darker, I would keep going.  Now when I run I make hash marks on my hands to keep count of the laps. It is easy to get confused running around a track so once I got to 4 and 1/2  miles (still feeling froggy)  I looked at the 18 marks on my hand and  thought, "... wouldn't it be nice to make it an even 20?"

The sun went down. The only lights were from passing cars and street lights near the track.  It was beginning to drizzle a bit, everyone else had gone, but I kept running. As I rounded the last corner toward my 5 mile finish I was so exhilerated that I started to sprint.  When I made the last hash mark on my palm I was so excited that my hands were shaking. I don't know if I have ever felt that good in my life.

Here's the thing:  You have heard me reference the old question:   if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it does it make a sound?      I have a roundabout answer for you. As much as we seek the approval and acceptance of others, as much as we want to be affirmed and validated, as much as we hope to be complete and respected, there are  things that we will have to perform for an audience of one --ourselves.   The universe is not perfect and outside assurances may not come so sometimes that will have to be enough.

Most goals we set for ourselves are not lofty or extravagant, but grounded in the quiet and familiar   Speaking for myself I realize that many times I set my sights low not because I can't do something, but because I am afraid to try and fail  The last couple of years have taught me that steadfastness and will are powerful things  and coupled with the grace of God,  give us strength we have never imagined

So, back to our "tree" question with a few minor changes:  If a 40+ year old woman runs around a track in the dark and drizzle, finishing her first 5 miles and noone is there to see it ...does she throw up her hands and cheer? Does she jump up and down on her finish line?  Does she thank God for each wobbly step? Does she do a squirrelly dance in the parking lot to her car?  Does she accomplish anything?  Does it matter?


I had been working on running. A few of us at work have been encouraging one another to this effect  and are wonderful at being there to pat each other on the back, give tips and advice, a kick in the pants, or applause whatever the case may be to keep us going. It is easy to feel motivated with so much support and so week after week I have been adding a little bit more distance. Trust me, when I say little bit, I mean little bit.  I started out run/walking the track.  Next I went on to trying to run one lap, then two (you get the idea.)  The most I had ever run is a little over 3 miles in the 3 months that I have been running.

Anyway, yesterday I planned on only doing about 2 miles, it was early evening, it looked like rain and I figured I had just enough time for that.  When I got to 2  miles it wasn't raining yet, there was still a little light out and I was feeling pretty good so I decided to try to go a bit more.  As the evening wore on the conditions stayed the same, so I kept going.

Long story short before too long  I was up to 4 miles.  OH MY GOODNESS! I had never run so far. I was feeling great so I thought, even though it was getting darker, I would keep going.  Now when I run I make hash marks on my hands to keep count of the laps. It is easy to get confused running around a track so once I got to 4 and 1/2  miles (still feeling froggy)  I looked at the 18 marks on my hand and  thought, "... wouldn't it be nice to make it an even 20?"

The sun went down. The only lights were from passing cars and street lights near the track.  It was beginning to drizzle a bit, everyone else had gone, but I kept running. As I rounded the last corner toward my 5 mile finish I was so exhilerated that I started to sprint.  When I made the last hash mark on my palm I was so excited that my hands were shaking. I don't know if I have ever felt that good in my life.

Here's the thing:  You have heard me reference the old question:   if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it does it make a sound?      I have a roundabout answer for you. As much as we seek the approval and acceptance of others, as much as we want to be affirmed and validated, as much as we hope to be complete and respected, there are  things that we will have to perform for an audience of one --ourselves.   The universe is not perfect and outside assurances may not come so sometimes that will have to be enough.

Most goals we set for ourselves are not lofty or extravagant, but grounded in the quiet and familiar   Speaking for myself I realize that many times I set my sights low not because I can't do something, but because I am afraid to try and fail  The last couple of years have taught me that steadfastness and will are powerful things  and coupled with the grace of God,  give us strength we have never imagined

So, back to our "tree" question with a few minor changes:  If a 40+ year old woman runs around a track in the dark and drizzle, finishing her first 5 miles and noone is there to see it ...does she throw up her hands and cheer? Does she jump up and down on her finish line?  Does she thank God for each wobbly step? Does she do a squirrelly dance in the parking lot to her car?  Does she accomplish anything?  Does it matter?Answer:  Yes!!

Gratitude


 My granddaughter stopped by with her mom the other day.  They were only going to be in for a moment so her mother did not bother to put her shoes on as she normally does. Elah was very excited to be barefoot, because she hardly ever gets to be outside without shoes.  She came running up to me and shouted, "Look, Biggie! I'm wearing my feet today!"

How would it be to be so excited about such small things; sitting on a quiet porch with a book, throwing a ball for a dog, planting a flower or  squeezing your toes into soft grass?  How long has it been since we slowed down,  took a breath and released it without thinking of another thing except how good it feels to simply be able to do it?

I have to admit sometimes I let myself get caught up in the busy-ness of life.  Lately, my days are full of 'have-tos" and there seems to be very little time for simple pleasures.  Elah reminds me that that is not true.  There is always time to appreciate the  gift of being: being allowed to take up space, being able to wake up to a new day, being able to try again, being loved, being missed, being alive.

I am grateful.

Here's the thing:  there are many things in my life that I complain about, but I would be lost without.  My car gives me headaches, but I don't have to walk to the grocer.  I can get frustrated on my job, but my bills are paid because I have it.  My kids sometimes call me at inopportune times, but I am blessed to have kids  AND they call their mother (WOW)!  Sincerely, compared to some I am doing alright.  That is probably true for you, too.  At the very least I have you and you have me--and we found each other today, that has got to be worth a little bit of something.  Take a deep breath and release.

'Know what?  Kick off your shoes and go for a walk.  I hear wearing your feet is very underrated.

Can You Hear Me Now

When my oldest daughter was about 9 she had to learn the multiplication table.  We drilled through the easy ones and practiced gimmicks to remember the rest.    As the days went on I  prompted her with vocal cues less and less until finally, when she would miss one I wouldn't say anything;  I would just put the flash card back on the pile to do over.  One evening, as the pile got bigger than she thought it should be, she tearfully hung her head and cried, "I don't know how to do this! Why don't you just tell me what the answer is?"  It broke my heart to see her feeling so upset and defeated.  I told her to take a break and excused her from the table to get a snack   I reminded her to come back soon though because we still had work to do.  She sniffled, wiped her nose on her sleeve, and slumped away.

As far as she was concerned  if she never answered another multiplication problem she would be just fine, but I knew that everything she would learn in math from that point on would require quick recall of those facts.   As crushed as she felt having made a few missteps,  I was confident that she knew certain tables outright and had enough understanding to figure out the rest.    She needed to slow down, trust  the hard work we had put into her mental toolbox and begin to use what was there.  In the end she learned the tables--aIl 12-- and couldn't wait to see her A- displayed on the refrigerator.

As I looked at her little face beaming with pride I was reminded of a time not too long before when  our family had moved to a new city.    My husband traveled  a lot, I was frequently alone with the kids and was pregnant with another (I know, I know).   Everything seemed to be piling on.  I  prayed but remained frustrated.   At one point I thought I had reached the end of my rope.  I yelled up to Heaven, "I can't do this anymore!  Why don't you just tell me what you want me to do?  Why would you move me out here away from my family, away from  my support, to be on my own?"

The answer I heard in my spirit was soft but real, " So you would know that you could."  I believe it was the voice of God.
Here's the thing:   Long before my daughter burst into tears with those pitiful words I knew how she was feeling, what her limitations were,  and what she wanted.  I wasn't shaken when she finally got upset.   I knew eventually she would use the information stashed away and, no matter what,  I was going to be there if she encountered something she couldn't handle on her own.  It is the same for us. We cry out, sometimes in humble  prayer, sometimes in anger or frustration and God hears every word, no matter how small or insignificant we think we are.   He knows that there  will be many tests (...in this world you will have trouble, remember?...), but  He has equipped us to handle them through the "drills" in life that we have already encountered and overcome.  If we slow down and concentrate we can recall the events that helped to make us who we are and apply that knowledge to our "today".  It can be a long process, but we will never know what we are capable of if He doesn't allow us to be challenged.  If He stepped in every time we got discouraged He would rob us of the opportunity to grow, and raising healthy thoughtful, independent children is the goal of EVERY good parent, right?

When Heaven falls silent and your prayers go seeminigly unanswered it is not because they are too big or too small.   You are not being ignored.   God is concerned about you.   He is giving you an opportunity to wipe your nose on your sleeve, open your spiritual toolbox,  and use what's inside.

Oh, and don't be shy about your victories. He can't wait to put your accomplishments on His refrigerator.

Bridge from Broken

Vacant: Empty. An unoccupied place.

 Our lives are peppered with a few extreme highs and  lows.  Its the lows that get to us. They siphon our  energy and drain our joy until we become the living, (barely) breathing  epitome of the word vacant.   Well meaning folks will see your struggle and encourage you to take what they believe will be an  easy way out.  For the kind of low that I am talking about however,  easy outs do not exist because they are usually full of emotion and drama, neither of which are going to be of any use to you; they will only compound the negativity in the end.  We all want hard times to be over quickly so we can stop feeling like there are a million pins sticking in us 24/7. To really overcome though, we have to do things as right as we can and that will not happen overnight no matter how much we want it to for ourselves or the people we care for.  Where I come from that kind of spiritual vacancy is called "brokenness".

To me,  brokenness is the profound realization that something longed for is not available.  It is the hardship of  missing anything desperately wanted:  a relationship, a job, a dream, etc.   Whatever it is, we realize that the object of our desire  as we see it, is not coming in the way we envisioned or not coming at all. It can make us feel depleted, even stupid  for hoping, as if somehow we should have known that that person,  achievement, or goal was not for us. 

While the source of our difficulties vary the effects can be similar.   I only say this because I know what it is to feel beat down and want to shut the world out; I know what it is to be broken.   The last time was right before I made the decision to end my marriage.  I knew we were in trouble and  I did not want to leave any stone unturned.  I went to counseling, I spoke to my pastor, I read books, I talked to my spouse and I prayed.  I prayed and prayed and prayed, but nothing changed (more about that in a later post).   I looked at myself, considered my own culpability,  assessed  my family situation and inventoried the damage.   It was humbling..  Since I knew that young eyes were looking at me, and I would not have time for the nervous breakdown that I deserved, I decided to hold it together.  Somehow I had to try and  find a way out of the darkness.  I had to build a bridge from broken.

This is what made it possible for me to speak to you from the other side of brokenness.   Perhaps it will be helpful to you:

• Do everything that you can to remedy the situation and do it wholeheartedly, even if you are doing it alone. You will never regret any sincere effort to make things right.
• Be honest with yourself about your contribution to the hardship.   Own your part.  If you make excuses for your poor decisions you are giving yourself permission to make them again.  
• Avoid the tendency to vilify or martyr the players in your drama.  People are people and brokenness is contagious; some folks come by it honestly.  Forgive them and forgive yourself.   If you are having problems with that just remember that forgiveness is not absolution, it simply releases you from the expectation that a person or a situation is ever going to change.   Forgiveness  gives you the authority to move on.
• Choose to learn http://www.havefaithlifelessons.com/2013/02/change.html
• If you have done everything that you know to do put a period at the end of it and plan the first of many small steps to dig out.  Don't bite off more than you can chew or think too far ahead.  Figure out what you have to do to feel whole TODAY.  Tomorrow will take care of itself. 

Here's the thing:  If you are feeling broken today don't despair- you are going to be OK.  Things may look dismal right this minute, but it will not last forever.  You are not a hostage; brokenness can not keep you there with out your expressed permission and bear in mind, to keep you broken, that permission must be given day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.   You get to decide when you have had enough.

If you are experiencing a vacancy of  spirit right now the good news is that a vacancy  means that there is room. Empty space is available for laughter and love   There is room for all the goodness and  hope that you can stand.   A vacancy means that there is space to be filled with wisdom and compassion for other bridge builders along the way.  You can do this.  Take a deep breath and get to work on your bridge from broken. Lets get it ready....We are ready.

I am ready.

Vienna

    

 There was a time that I was very good at waiting.  Seriously, I had the patience of Mother Teresa.  I could let people go in front of me at Walmart - that type of good at waiting.  Impressive, right?  I don't know what has happened to me lately.   I am like a toddler.   There are times when I have considered lying on the floor in the checkout line, at the DMV, or at a stop light, kicking my legs and screaming so that people will just back away, clear a path and I can move on.  But to where? What or who am I going to miss? 

     I was watching a movie the other day and the song Vienna, by Billy Joel was part of the soundtrack.  Some of the lyrics are:

    "....you know that when the truth is told, that you can get what you want or you can just get old..." 

 and it hit me, I am rushing around as if  this big event is going to occur and I won't be there to see it without realizing that I am the star of the show.   It's MY show.   I have been hiding in my dressing room  while my overture plays biting my fingernails and wondering if this dress makes me look fat.  I convinced myself that it was someone else's turn or I wasn't ready, but while I was waiting for the world to get it together, the world was waiting for me.   I wasn't going to miss anything because nothing great was going to happen until I showed up.

     What do I mean by showing up?  Being present.  Having an opinion.  Expressing what I like and don't like, and acting on it.  Being truthful about what I want.   Being my authentic self.  I am not talking about unleashing my inner narcissist, I am just saying being honest, for once, about what I need and what matters to me.  I don' t know about you but I can say that it has taken me a long time to acknowledge those things, but I really feel that I knew it all along.  We all do.   It seems selfish to consider our own needs especially once we have families and so we suppress them.  We find out sooner or later though that they will not go away and the pressure of keeping them hidden will cause more problems than we can imagine for our families, our well being and our relationships.  Its like lying everyday about who we really are and what we need to operate in this world.   I will admit it is challenging to turn the ship around once you have other people on it, but that doesn't mean you can't do it.  It is hard, but not impossible and necessary if you are  going to achieve the satisfaction that you are looking for.  

     Let's take something as simple as exercise.  There are some who don't do it because they are truly digging the couch potato thing, but there are others who don't because they are reluctant to take the time because they actually feel as though they are "taking" time away from someone or something that deserves it more.  Seriously, the world will survive without you wiping a behind,  sending an email or weeding the lawn for 60 mins. and when we do come back we are better, less stressed, a smidge healthier, our minds clearer and more ready to be a part of the universe. 

      Here's a more personal example: Smoking has always bothered me; it has since I was a kid.   Why on earth would I willingly spend 30+ years with someone who would not stop doing something that I could not stand for what I thought was the greater good of a relationship?   Sure it may seem small, but in the end it was just another thing that I put up with that made me (and consequently my partner)  miserable, and for no good reason. You know your likes and dislikes.  It may take years before you give them the credit of being bona fide wants and needs, but when you do, and are honest about it with the people around you, it is freeing for everyone.

     Here's the thing:   Some of us are waiting for something or someone that looks nothing like us to come in, take charge, and make our lives better, livelier and fuller, but it can't happen that way. Although we are aware of the risks, we have to commit, plan and invest in ourselves because we are worth it.  I tell my kids all the time, you have 2 choices:

     1.  You  can enjoy the freedom to do what you want right now, but then you will have the burden of  doing what you must for the rest of your life.  

 OR 

     2.   You can have the courage to do what you must right now and that will afford you the freedom to do what you want for the rest of your life.

The thing is we don't realize 'til later that "right now" is a lot shorter than "rest of your life"  We think we have time to get it right, smooth things over,  or make others recognize what we need, without realizing that  while we are trying to rally the troops, the clock is ticking.   

Sometimes life makes us ashamed to have wants or  desires or dreams.  We may find all too late that they weren't just a passing phase but ideals that really mattered to who we are and would become.  You know what you want.  You know what you need.  It will be a sad thing to realize after you have spent years standing on line that the one great thing that you have always been waiting for was you. 

 

24601

  I love Les Miserables, the sinner saved by grace story of Jean Valjean, inmate #24601, who receives a good turn so timely and life changing that he resolves to make the effort count for good so that the grace shown to him would not be in vain.   He is tirelessly pursued by a ghost from his past, who reminds him of what he was and supposedly always will  be.  In spite of that he does not grow bitter or weary for trying.  His will to love is stronger than fear of failure or punishment.   He doesn't give up on himself or others.  One of his last lines in the movie is "...to love another person is to see the face of God..." What a noble story, this French Revolution Pay it Forward.   How would it be if we all felt the way that Jean does, that we have to do the best we can, for the most that we can, as long as we can?
  
   It is easy to get caught up in our day in day out lives, oblivious to the opportunities around us to lend a hand or give someone a leg up.  I am just as guilty as the next of getting on the hamster wheel and mindlessly spinning without looking around to see if there have been any

casualties along the way.  Jean Valjean doesn't do that.  He forgives the undeserved and provides a haven for vagabonds over and over again without wanting anything in return.  Fiction or non-fiction the kind of love taught in the movie is what we should all aspire to. It is not just treating people the way you want to be treated.  It is treating people the way that you would if you were tending to Jesus Himself -- because you are.  I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto the least of these my brethren you have done it unto me.

     Here's the thing:  It takes very little effort to be kind (you have heard me say that before but I really believe it) and from that comes our measure of grace.

"How far you go in life depends on you being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and the strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these."   --  George Washington Carver