Vienna

    

 There was a time that I was very good at waiting.  Seriously, I had the patience of Mother Teresa.  I could let people go in front of me at Walmart - that type of good at waiting.  Impressive, right?  I don't know what has happened to me lately.   I am like a toddler.   There are times when I have considered lying on the floor in the checkout line, at the DMV, or at a stop light, kicking my legs and screaming so that people will just back away, clear a path and I can move on.  But to where? What or who am I going to miss? 

     I was watching a movie the other day and the song Vienna, by Billy Joel was part of the soundtrack.  Some of the lyrics are:

    "....you know that when the truth is told, that you can get what you want or you can just get old..." 

 and it hit me, I am rushing around as if  this big event is going to occur and I won't be there to see it without realizing that I am the star of the show.   It's MY show.   I have been hiding in my dressing room  while my overture plays biting my fingernails and wondering if this dress makes me look fat.  I convinced myself that it was someone else's turn or I wasn't ready, but while I was waiting for the world to get it together, the world was waiting for me.   I wasn't going to miss anything because nothing great was going to happen until I showed up.

     What do I mean by showing up?  Being present.  Having an opinion.  Expressing what I like and don't like, and acting on it.  Being truthful about what I want.   Being my authentic self.  I am not talking about unleashing my inner narcissist, I am just saying being honest, for once, about what I need and what matters to me.  I don' t know about you but I can say that it has taken me a long time to acknowledge those things, but I really feel that I knew it all along.  We all do.   It seems selfish to consider our own needs especially once we have families and so we suppress them.  We find out sooner or later though that they will not go away and the pressure of keeping them hidden will cause more problems than we can imagine for our families, our well being and our relationships.  Its like lying everyday about who we really are and what we need to operate in this world.   I will admit it is challenging to turn the ship around once you have other people on it, but that doesn't mean you can't do it.  It is hard, but not impossible and necessary if you are  going to achieve the satisfaction that you are looking for.  

     Let's take something as simple as exercise.  There are some who don't do it because they are truly digging the couch potato thing, but there are others who don't because they are reluctant to take the time because they actually feel as though they are "taking" time away from someone or something that deserves it more.  Seriously, the world will survive without you wiping a behind,  sending an email or weeding the lawn for 60 mins. and when we do come back we are better, less stressed, a smidge healthier, our minds clearer and more ready to be a part of the universe. 

      Here's a more personal example: Smoking has always bothered me; it has since I was a kid.   Why on earth would I willingly spend 30+ years with someone who would not stop doing something that I could not stand for what I thought was the greater good of a relationship?   Sure it may seem small, but in the end it was just another thing that I put up with that made me (and consequently my partner)  miserable, and for no good reason. You know your likes and dislikes.  It may take years before you give them the credit of being bona fide wants and needs, but when you do, and are honest about it with the people around you, it is freeing for everyone.

     Here's the thing:   Some of us are waiting for something or someone that looks nothing like us to come in, take charge, and make our lives better, livelier and fuller, but it can't happen that way. Although we are aware of the risks, we have to commit, plan and invest in ourselves because we are worth it.  I tell my kids all the time, you have 2 choices:

     1.  You  can enjoy the freedom to do what you want right now, but then you will have the burden of  doing what you must for the rest of your life.  

 OR 

     2.   You can have the courage to do what you must right now and that will afford you the freedom to do what you want for the rest of your life.

The thing is we don't realize 'til later that "right now" is a lot shorter than "rest of your life"  We think we have time to get it right, smooth things over,  or make others recognize what we need, without realizing that  while we are trying to rally the troops, the clock is ticking.   

Sometimes life makes us ashamed to have wants or  desires or dreams.  We may find all too late that they weren't just a passing phase but ideals that really mattered to who we are and would become.  You know what you want.  You know what you need.  It will be a sad thing to realize after you have spent years standing on line that the one great thing that you have always been waiting for was you.