Pedaling Forward

By the end of this year my marriage will have ended in divorce.  While the situation in and of itself  is sad and mind numbing,  when I was thinking about it today the thing that struck me is  this will be the first time in my life that I will actually be "alone".  I know that may sound weird, but I have always been with someone.  I was with my family or with my parents or with my husband.  I was always part of a  group or at least a couple.  This will be the first time that I will be with "myself".  I have to admit it is sobering.  I am pensive and yeah, even a bit afraid, of this new dynamic.

My friend told me, she was a single mom, that the hardest part of being by herself was that all of her decisions had to be right.  I understand what she means.  It is a little unsettling suddenly to think that I will make all the decisions by myself fully now and maybe for the rest of my life.   'Thing is I have been living on my own for a year and a half and have been doing  that very thing.  I guess the finality of it is setting in.  I don't like how it feels right now, but I will  keep moving forward.

I guess it's like learning how to ride a bike.    You  pedal with confidence until you realize that your parents aren't holding on  any more. Initially when you turn around and see that there is no hand on the rim you get scared, wobble the handle bars, and fall.  It takes courage and determination to keep pedalling when you  notice that no one is  behind you.  Those first precious seconds when you know that you know that you are moving under your own power,  your spirit can't help but whisper "Yes, I can do this.."  You trust yourself and keep going.

Here's the thing:  there will be many new things ahead for me and for you.  We have to trust ourselves.  No matter how things look we have to believe that we've got what it takes to keep moving forward --  even when we know that a fall might hurt, even when the support feels light, even when we can't see the hand that holds us.