ay was one of those days when I missed my marriage. Things had been going pretty well for a while then BAM! a problem with my car and I need to speak with a mechanic. The issues and cost concerning the work I need were not what I was expecting (I believe they read the gigantic auto-inspired "DUH" tattooed on my forehead). Unlike some people I do not speak fluent "vehicle" so I am at a real disadvantage whenever things like that arise. My husband always handled stuff like that. I was so overwhelmed and disappointed that when I got home I just fell apart.
I cried. 'And then I got mad because I was crying and cried even harder. Truth is I was upset because I felt vulnerable. I have made a real effort to minimize the variables in my life. I was like that during my marriage and I am even more now. I am poised. I plan things out. I handle things. I don't have time to feel helpless and the fact that I did over something that other people manage to deal with everyday made me feel like I hadn't accomplished as much as I have given myself credit for.
I missed my marriage.
Usually its only on holidays (my husband and I could work together in the kitchen like an oiled machine) or at one of the kid's events or a get together that I am reminded of my singleness. Today, I wanted to hand the keys to a partner and say I believe this is your department or at least get to turn to him with the WTF face and share the disbelief but.... there was none of that. There was only me feeling like a lamb in a slaughterhouse wondering what to do next.
Here's the thing: I am allowed to be vulnerable. I am allowed to feel less. I am allowed to get lost. I am allowed to not know. I am allowed to mourn what is gone. I am allowed to eat my feelings every once in a while. I am allowed to have a moment and so are you...but then I owe it to myself to get up off the floor because where ever I am is not where I was and I didn't get this far by accident. I've got this. Besides it's already tomorrow in Australia and I have things to do. Don't you?
I cried. 'And then I got mad because I was crying and cried even harder. Truth is I was upset because I felt vulnerable. I have made a real effort to minimize the variables in my life. I was like that during my marriage and I am even more now. I am poised. I plan things out. I handle things. I don't have time to feel helpless and the fact that I did over something that other people manage to deal with everyday made me feel like I hadn't accomplished as much as I have given myself credit for.
I missed my marriage.
Usually its only on holidays (my husband and I could work together in the kitchen like an oiled machine) or at one of the kid's events or a get together that I am reminded of my singleness. Today, I wanted to hand the keys to a partner and say I believe this is your department or at least get to turn to him with the WTF face and share the disbelief but.... there was none of that. There was only me feeling like a lamb in a slaughterhouse wondering what to do next.
Here's the thing: I am allowed to be vulnerable. I am allowed to feel less. I am allowed to get lost. I am allowed to not know. I am allowed to mourn what is gone. I am allowed to eat my feelings every once in a while. I am allowed to have a moment and so are you...but then I owe it to myself to get up off the floor because where ever I am is not where I was and I didn't get this far by accident. I've got this. Besides it's already tomorrow in Australia and I have things to do. Don't you?
No comments:
Post a Comment