Someone said something to me last week that warped me back a few years in some strange
Jedi, PTSD, flashback, trust mind trip. I felt vulnerable and then angry because I felt vulnerable. Sigh.
Basically, I am having issues with trust.
I guess I have believed so much "sincere"garbage in the past that I've lost confidence in my ability to discern between fact and fiction in matters of the heart. Now almost any act of tenderness in word or deed is suspect. I put them under an emotional microscope dissecting them like worms in a science lab trying to see if they are sincere or if they have an expiration date. I know it is not fair, but I have chased many mirages in my life and I just don't want to be anybody's fool. Somehow I have to find a happy medium between optimistically "drinking the Kool Aid" and pacing like a boxer with my dukes up, preparing for the punch that I would most likely never see coming anyway.
Maybe you know what I am talking about.
Here's the thing: There's no real way to protect ourselves from the disappointments of life especially when you care about people. Somehow we have to reprogram ourselves to trust again, accepting that that responsibility does not rest entirely with a potential partner, but in our own ability to trust ourselves to handle whatever may come and still be OK.
I can't lie to you. It won't be easy getting back in the ring. We are pretty BEAST to even think about trying this again, but be prepared to flinch -- a lot! We may have to hire and fire a few people in our respective corners so that we have the support we need to go hard. We will need to take care of ourselves physically and emotionally and do what it takes to get STRONGER. We'll learn how to bob and weave so next time, and -- PRAISE GOD, there will be a next time -- we will see what's coming and avoid the punches all together so that, prayerfully, the next thing that knocks us into the middle of next week will be... Love.
Basically, I am having issues with trust.
I guess I have believed so much "sincere"garbage in the past that I've lost confidence in my ability to discern between fact and fiction in matters of the heart. Now almost any act of tenderness in word or deed is suspect. I put them under an emotional microscope dissecting them like worms in a science lab trying to see if they are sincere or if they have an expiration date. I know it is not fair, but I have chased many mirages in my life and I just don't want to be anybody's fool. Somehow I have to find a happy medium between optimistically "drinking the Kool Aid" and pacing like a boxer with my dukes up, preparing for the punch that I would most likely never see coming anyway.
Maybe you know what I am talking about.
Here's the thing: There's no real way to protect ourselves from the disappointments of life especially when you care about people. Somehow we have to reprogram ourselves to trust again, accepting that that responsibility does not rest entirely with a potential partner, but in our own ability to trust ourselves to handle whatever may come and still be OK.
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