Nests

My nest is almost empty.  The last  little bird -  don't tell him I called him that - is set to fly off on his own at some point next year.  My house will be very quiet and another chapter in my story and his will close.  I think about my children's cute round faces smiling up at me,  the shoes in the middle of the floor, the phone cords stretched from room to room (back when phones had cords) and I wonder where the time went.   I am assured though, that as one facet of motherhood passes, another takes its place and will be just as important to my children's development and growth as people as the last.  I heard someone mourn... my kids are growing up; they don't need me anymore..., but as I travelogue the last 25 years of parenting  I am convinced that it is not that our children need us less as they grow - they just need us differently.

For instance:

They won't need us to change their diapers, but they will need us to teach them that if something "stinks" in their lives they have the ability to change it.  We have to show them by our example that they are not stuck anywhere unless they choose to be, and no matter how big, deep, and lasting the pile of crap they find themselves in, it will never trump the power of a good decision whenever it is made.

We won't tie their shoes anymore, but they do need to know that "home"ties are a good thing and that it is important to know where they came from.  While some of our history's may not have contained all that we hoped or needed, we can build on what we have experienced and/or overcome.  I saw this sign on a wall in a jail classroom while doing outreach, "Don't be discouraged.  Everyone who got where he is started where he was."  Let them know that no matter where life takes them they will always be welcome at home. Let's agree to leave the light on for them.


We will no longer have to know the answer to "....why is the sky blue?"  but our kids need to appreciate that knowledge and understanding is the key to freedom - so take a class, get a diploma, complete a degree, read a book, learn or create something and let your children see you doing it.  Teach them that there is nothing wrong with asking why, how, or if AND taking the time to wait for an answer before moving forward,  no matter how old you are . Let them see that the phrase I was just raised that way is a bullet point on a treasure map for apathy.  Show them that learning and growing are good things by doing them yourself.

Kisses on bandaged knees will fade away, but they will never outgrow the comfort of our love and support -- especially when they fall.  There will be plenty of time for I-told-you-so's; but a hand-up and reassuring word will restore confidence and repair a broken spirit, accomplishing more than any lecture or pointed finger ever could.   Remember how much it meant (or could have meant) if that kind of grace had been extended to us when we were feeling down..

Here's the thing:  the only absolute when it comes to parenting is that our children will grow up  preferably with or unfortunately without us. Our roles and influence will change,  but maybe we can look at our nests years from now and see a beautiful, well-worn springboard rather than a flimsy pile of well-meaning twigs.

We are all growing up. :)

 Love is kind and patient, never jealous, boastful, proud, or  rude.  Love isn’t selfish or quick tempered.

It doesn’t keep a record of wrongs that others do.  Love rejoices in the truth, but not in evil. Love is always supportive, loyal, hopeful, and trusting.   Love never fails

Intersections

This past year was full of adventures: I registered for and ran my very first races, one of them a half marathon -13.1 miles.  Hello! Freakin' awesome!! I decided to finish a degree begun almost 30 years ago. I managed to hold it together personally although not all of the characters in my passion play are kind or fair, and most important my beloveds are all OK and moving forward in their own way. While some of the things that happened this year were not foreseen, most occurred as a result of not wanting to stay where I was, not wanting to be sedentary, or not wanting where I am right now to be the epilogue of my story. For me, the biggest obstacle to accomplishing anything is a willingness to take responsibility for the "now". Every day we are faced with decisions that will either propel us forward or put another staple in our familiar.


It's like coming to an intersection. Some have lights that tell us when, where, and how to move and others are blind where you have to pause and wait your turn before proceeding.  I have grown from them both.   I'm grateful for the traffic lights that told me specifically when to start and stop providing safe passage when and if I was smart enough to listen and I learned to trust my instincts at the ones without them, depending on faith and discernment to get from one point to the next.   Each cross was worth it. Each intersection showed me something about myself, the people around me or how  I choose to live, and each one moved me a little bit further than I had been before.   You have heard me say before "...a baby step is still a step..."  Small victories count.  Maybe your year has been the same.


I saw a meme that read "This time next year you will wish that you started today," That is 100% true. I am thankful for every new beginning that I  had this year and equally as thankful for the "endings" because even though something that I loved, wanted or hoped for stopped or ceased to exist in the way that I was used to, I learned that I can get through it and still land on my feet.


Here's the thing: Over the next 12 months we are going to come to many intersections- some will have signals telling us exactly what to do and when to do it. Others will require tapping into our experiences, character, and integrity to get from one place to the other. If you are standing at an intersection right now I hope you step off the curb. I hope you throw caution to the wind and go from what you are used to to what's on the other side because your life is over there. If we are committed to seeing good things happen this year let's accept that almost everything where we are right will be a part of our past and sometimes we have to let those things go to move forward.  It may be scary to step off the curb into something new, especially with so much of life rushing by, but there is nothing to be gained by staying put. Everything that you want in life is in your forward press. Look both ways, yes - but then take a deep breath and RUN.

How to Know When it is Over

Someone asked me tearfully "...He says that he loves me.  We get along great most of the time. I don't want to be alone. How do I know when it is really over?"  

I thought a moment and then I told them this "fable".

     

You love a person. You have the best times together, but once a month they climb up on your side of the bed and take a huge dump. (Now I know that is graphic and may be offensive to some but just stay with me for a minute). 

      Let's say after they do that they just get up off the bed and walk away and leave it for you to find and clean up. You love them so you do. You can't believe that they would do something like that on purpose so you don't say anything about it; you don't want to embarrass them -  maybe it was just an accident, but a few weeks later you come home from work and there it is --  another heaping pile of poop on your side of the bed!

      Okay now you're beginning to wonder what is up with this. You guys are so great together. You can make each other laugh. You feel so close. Why would they do something like that? You confront them about it.  They agree to go to counseling and you do. You give it a couple of months and dang it if you don't come home to find poo on the side of the bed  AND in the living room. The cat is playing with it!  Now you're mad. You tell them that this is unacceptable, that you have had it and if they don't stop leaving piles of crap all around the house you are through. They just look at you with a blank stare and don't say anything back.

      Soon the holidays are coming and things have been going great. You have people coming in from out of town. Right before you open the door to welcome your guests to Thanksgiving you notice a huge pile on the dining room table right next to the turkey. Not only that, but they have managed to smear the curtains as well! You can't believe it! WTH! You notice your kids are starting to do it. Your friends don't want to come around anymore because, you know, its weird at your place  What do you do?

      You give them another chance and they say they're really really sorry and you'd like to believe them, but they've just handed you your Christmas present....and the box is warm.

     Here's the thing:   You teach people how to treat you. Whether its cheating, lying, addiction(s),  inattention, or taking you for granted, how much s***  you are willing to put up with and let your children live with (if you have any) is entirely up to you.

Brave

      Recently I ran my first 6k.  Now for those of you who run 10ks, 14ks, half and full marathons that is not much and I take my hat off to you.  I can sincerely say though, that the distance you have run in miles is nothing compared to the distance that I traveled from walking my first lap to completing a registration form.

     Frankly, I didn't sign up for races because I was scared.  I was scared of running an unknown course, of being out there alone, that I would miss a sign and go the wrong way,  come in last or not finish at all.  Mostly though, I  was scared of letting myself down.   I have been  my own worst enemy with so many things in the past.  Would this be another?   I didn't want to try and fail so publicly.  I was afraid that, if I set a goal and didn't reach it, it would shred  my confidence for trying anything new or unknown for a long, long time.

     Here's the thing:  We can watch our lives unfold passively from the sidelines or we can roll up our sleeves and get in the game which will greatly increase our chances of things turning out the way that we hope.  You see, what we do casually -- what we consider rudimentary,  has value and routinely adding a little bit to what

we are already doing increases our strength, will power and ability to accomplish more.    Listen, if you get up every day in a empty relationship and go through the motions feeling alone what would be the difference if you actually were on your own?  At least you wouldn't have to worry about what another person is or is not doing.  If you can balance a calendar containing multiple people and all their activities while managing to keep your home running smoothly why couldn't you replace one of those bullet points with a class you have always wanted to take to learn something new?  All I am saying is take a chance. Bet on YOU. You are already doing it.  We only get this one life; don't let time and circumstance steal it away.   You don't have to have all the answers today.   Just take one step in the right direction.  You will be surprised at how easy the next steps come.  You just have to be brave enough to take them.

     So, how did I get from fear to finish line?  Before the race I was in the ladies room for let's say, the umpteenth time that morning playing back every "what if" scenario that I could think of when God spoke to my heart and said,

Adrienne!  It's just Sunday.

What that meant was for the previous 6 weeks or more, I had been running between 3 and 5 miles every Sunday.  Not in preparation for anything -- just to do it.  God was reminding me that not only COULD I do it, but that I HAD BEEN doing it.  This time if was for the record, this time it was on purpose....but I was ready.

     I thank Him for that because suddenly everything was clear -- it really was just another Sunday.  I was happy, I was confident, and I finished my first OFFICIAL 6k (3.72 miles) in 51 mins. Faster than I ever had at home.

      I wish I could tell you that that was the beginning of my successful reign over the asphalt but it wouldn't be true. My hands shook as I typed in the registration for my next race.  Maybe that is something that I will always have to contend with, but  I will not let a temporary fear keep me from a permanent  accomplishment.  'Neither should you.   Someone asked me once what my secret to running is .  I said,  "After my first step I don't let my legs stop moving."  It really is that simple.  Whether you motivate yourself or life shoves you in a direction you didn't anticipate, set your foot down. Land on your feet. Take that first step and don't let your legs stop moving. You can do anything you want or need to.  You won't let yourself fail.   Go on.  Be brave.

 

 

An Inconvenient Tryth

I was told something yesterday that I had known in my heart for a long time.  I just avoided it, you know, like the elephant in the room that we have all heard about.  I couldn't put it off anymore so I asked a difficult question and after a long pause  heard the words I guessed would come.  You know what? Even though I was pretty sure about  the response I would get, it still hurt like hell, the double you over kind, where you feel like no one should be able to endure it and live -- that kind of hurt.  I stood there and took it, knowing that each word was like a prod to the elephant I had been avoiding.  The elephant that was now pacing defiantly in the middle of  room, daring me to do something about it.   Ready or not. 

 While comforting in the short term, self imposed naivete will always result in an elephant in the room.  We can put our feet up on it and pretend it is an ottoman, or drape it with a tablecloth, or decorate it like a Christmas tree,  but it is still an elephant, an inconvenient truth, that we may not want to, but have to face.

"Sure  she drinks everyday.   She needs help to relax."

"That's not abuse, that's passion." 
",,,no, no, really.  I'll pay you next Tuesday..."

"....I know. 'But he says loves me...?"

I am sure if none of these ring a bell you can add your own.

Even with the best of intentions we only prolong and inflate our personal cost when we can't be honest with ourselves and others.     Avoiding truth will not strengthen your relationship.  Ignoring signs does not allow room for a change that you know isn't coming and not talking about issues won't make them go away.  In fact I can tell you with certainty that it makes it worse because rather than get your pain all at once (which is bad enough) you get it little bit every day and with a nice nip at your self esteem to boot.  Lucky, huh? All I  had done  by avoiding the confrontation was postpone the inevitable. No matter what I hoped would happen, I couldn't pretend that the truth I already knew was a cute elephant shaped  "lamp" and dance around it any longer.

Here's the thing:  there is nothing to be gained from a lie and the worst lies are the ones we tell ourselves.   The truth, while inconvenient, painful, and hard sometimes, really does make you free .....or I know where you can get a deal on an extra large bag of peanuts and a giant pooper-scooper.

Trust me, you are gonna need them.

Off the Grid

I have been feeling a little disconnected.  I let things on my daily bullet list siphon away my prayer life and time alone in the Word.  My spiritual tank was way past empty, but I couldn't stop going even though I knew that I was burning everything I had down to nothing.  Then God, who loves us so, used a seemlingly unrelated event to open my eyes to the cavern I had wandered into, shining a light on the way back to the sun.  

This past weekend the power went out in my area for several hours.   My 3 year old granddaughter was staying over night so when she woke up, we got up and I made a fire in the fireplace.   We read stories, went for a long walk, and made an adventure out of making grilled cheese sandwiches, and warming cocoa and soup over the fire, all in an effort to keep her happy and occupied.  Personally I was going nuts!   I cannot tell you how many times I went into the bathroom and flipped the switch.  Oh, yeah, that's right.   No power.  I plugged my cell phone into the charger when it got low only to come back in 30 minutes after remembering that it couldn't charge and took it outside to charge with my car's battery which made that seem to get low. Good grief!   I decided to take Elah to lunch in a nearby city that hadn't been affected by the outage, but realized that my hair was all over my head and I couldn't flat iron it.  HA! It was freezing outside and  my heavy jeans were still in the washing machine from the night before, and on top of that I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY wanted some coffee.  Frankly, between tending the fire, entertaining a toddler and my lack of caffeine, I was dangerously close to just going out and lying in the middle of the street to wait for some truck to put me out of my misery.  LOL.  I  breathed a thankful sigh when the electricity came back on,  accepting that I am obviously a person that has to be plugged in. Girl, I laughed to myself, you are not one who can be living off the grid.  The Lord spoke to my heart and said, "No one is." 

  He presented me with a Heavenly instant replay of my day showing me that living without a connection to God is living without a power source.  When we do that we are literally existing off the GRID, without God's Resources, Inspiration and Discipline. Every decision will have to be  made using our own wisdom which is questionable.  Every action will have to be  executed under our own strength which is limited.   And  all moves will have to be calculated within our own ability and, let's face it, sometimes we are not the sharpest tacks in the box.  Here's the thing:  apart from God even the simplest tasks will be a challenge to us physically and mentally because we were not made to function in this world outside of our power source. Sure we can manage, but do we want to live each day settling for the make-dos and good enoughs  of a mediocre existence knowing somehow deep inside that,  as a good friend says, "better is always available?"  How much time do we really want to waste standing in the darkness, staring at the power cord, choosing for whatever reason not to plug it in?

You are my lamp, O LORD; the LORD turns my darkness into light.  Samuel 22:29

Resolution

This is the time of year when people think about making changes.  It seems natural to start a new year with a fresh attitude, healthy habit or mantra.  I can't tell you how many times I have been asked what my New Year's resolution will be.   Truthfully, I don't make them.  There is no time like the present to begin a good thing whether it is for myself or others, so why wait?  Besides, I think we set ourselves up to fail by pinning new endeavors to January 1st with the whole, great, big, long, year stretched out in front of us like a mine field where any missed step has the potential  to thwart our best efforts. This year, instead of making a resolution based on something we will start or stop doing, let's commit to adjust our resolution, like we would with a photograph, to see things more clearly, more practically, more realistically in the next twelve months.

Here's the thing:   Most of the time we are not blindsided by the events in our lives.   There are warnings. People who love us tip us off to issues that need to be addressed (usually more than once). Sometimes we get a sour feeling in our gut about people, situations, etc., but rather than take advantage of this God-given personal security system, we decide to whistle in the dark, hoping against history that our intuition is not right.  Let's choose not to do that.  Instead, let's fine tune our perception to see things how they really are so that we can bypass some of the rough spots that might be on the horizon this coming year.

Here are a few beacons of clarity to get you started:

- A person who lies to you will keep lying to you because it is apparently easy... and they want to.
- There is a marked difference between privacy and secrecy when it comes to any relationship.
- If you keep "taking it" they will keep "doing it."
- As adults, we are the only common denominator in our poor experiences.  Own your portion of the conflict so that at least that little bit won't be repeated.
- Reliving the same situations?  As my daughter says "Look at your choices, look at your life."
- The only thing surprising about a cheater who cheats again is that you believed them the second time.  Second chances are earned, not always deserved.
- Grow up.  It is amazing how clear our perception is when we put on our big girl/boy pants and stop crawling around on the floor.
-  Remember the things last year that you thought would break you? Well, here you are triumphantly looking back. It may not have been perfect. It may not have been pretty. But you're still standing.   LET'S BE CLEAR -you are stronger than you know.

 "When I was a child, I spoke  like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I grew up I put childish ways behind me.  For now we see in the mirror dimly; but soon we shall see face to face."
 Corinthians 13:11-12